Vanilla H. Christ was born to Mr. Holy Christ and Mrs. Motherfucking Christ on Sept. 20, 1969. They were to make the pilgrimage to their place of origin for the annual census, and Mrs. Christ, pregnant with her illigitimate hellspawn, was placed atop an ass (which is how she became pregnant in the first place!) and led to the town of Bethlehem (just outside of Isle of Coney in the Lyn of Brook). When the couple arrived in Bethlehem all the hostels were filled to capacity, as the city planners accidentally scheduled the day of census to fall upon the Hell’s Angels’ rally date. With nowhere else to go, Mr. and Mrs. Christ took refuge in a stable (“Stable Ted’s Autobody Shop and Offtrack Betting Imporium”). Mrs. Christ induced early labor by huffing automobile starting fluid, and Vanilla Christ was born, ugly and depraved (the world’s first “Ether-Baby”), wrapped in swaddling clothes (consisting of a PVC body harness, black leather boots, plaid bondage-pampers and a “Fuck Art, Let’s Kill” T-shirt) and swaddled in a straw-filled oil drum.
Upon the birth of The New Christ, a star (Barry Manilow) shone brightly upon the stable, and attracted the eyes of nearby shepherds (Dana Shepherd, Buck Shepherd, and Steve Shepherd), as well as three exhaulted kings from Chinatown. Or was that Chinamen from King’s County? Well, in any case, these three Kings travelled many blocks by subway to feast their drug-addicted eyes upon The New Christ, bringing with them gifts of grandeurous gold (i.e. a shopping cart full of deposit bottles), Frankensensemilia, and Myrrh (well, more like an autographed photo of Myrrhv Griffin). From that day forth came the dawn of a new era in bad taste.
In 1993, The Vanilla Christ, teamed up with 1st Apostle, Rev. Matthew Paradise of the Order of the Purging Talon, to begin works on The New Bible that would put the others before it into obsolesence. In this Bible, many books were formed and preached, the Book of Poo Poo (completed and containing 18 chapters), the Book of DeSade (completed and containing a measley 4 chapters before it’s demise), The Book of Flames (thus far only one chapter has been ordained, also known as the “What Was I Thinking?” book), the Book of Slam (also known as “The Forgotten Book”, which was an even worse idea than the previous), and the glorious book of Black, which died fitfully at the dawn of the millenium.
With this New Bible under his arm, Mr. Christ left the Order of Purging Talon to venture alone into the wild to terrorize the comfortable, and give arms to the vindictive. This New Bible is eternally being written, and new chapters are constantly unfolding, as it is known, Vanilla Christ is prone not only to speaking about himself in the third person on his own vanity page, but also gets damned bored when there’s nothing to write.